Epilogue

     I have been home for about two weeks now.

All photos included in this post were taken at Stromovka park.
This one features me out of focus by some flowers.

     The process of reacclimating was quick, probably only took a couple of days. I had this post in mind before I even left Prague, but I wanted some time away to provide me with clarity and perspective. That, and this symbolizes the end of my experience. The chapter is done, I have to move on and prepare myself for the next. I have been listening to albums that I had on repeat while I was over there (Alvvays by Alvvays, Endless by Frank Ocean, Vessel by Frankie Cosmos) in an attempt to bring up the associated memories and feelings and help me write this, but the feeling is weird. It's almost too recent to be sentimental about, but maybe I was never that invested in the first place. 

Nice lavender bush (?)
Also not sure if this is in focus oh boy

     A number of people have asked me the generalizing question of "How was it?" I don't blame them, I'd probably do the same, but four months is a long time, and I would feel like I was being untrue to myself and my time abroad if I just gave it a simple "Good," or "Bad," or even the shirking "It was whatever." So I allude to the nuance of my time away: I briefly describe how there are the to-be-expected series of highs and lows, and how the overall outcome was growth-- but that's not enough to convey the levels of my experience. I soon realized my efforts could never be enough, and that's simultaneously okay and necessary, for that experience is wholly my own and some things can only be felt by the person going through it.

Sike, I got bored of the park photos, this was taken nearby though.

     I was speaking with someone about this at CMC's graduation, just a day and a half after coming home, and he imparted upon me that the way and rate at which I am developing due to my experiences-- in college in general and especially going abroad-- is something I cannot relate with my parents, for whom the past four months were primarily business as usual. That's just the way things are, but that does not have to be the end of the story. In reconvening with people (parents and otherwise), and looking through these... "brand new eyes", we learn about each other's experiences and gain added insight into our respective personhoods; why we are ((or are becoming)) the way we are.

The club I went to my first weekend there.
Did not have the best time and left early, did not know how trams
worked at night so I waited 45mins out in the cold for the wrong tram,
the one I got on ended up hitting a cop car so everyone had to get out and
I just walked the rest of the way back to my apartment.
of the way back to my apartment.

     A question I have received less is "Are you glad you went abroad?" During the latter half of my time there I was convinced the answer was yes, but I could never be certain if I was happy with my decision because I had no other option. If I had stayed on campus I would have tried to be an RA, a position I really wanted, but one that was not guaranteed. Regardless, I wanted this experience, and my "what ifs" would ring much louder in my mind if I had not taken this opportunity. Would I recommend it? Well, there are definitely lessons and experiences that I know I would not have had if I had just stayed on campus, some just by virtue of being so far from home. I believe that such would be the case if anyone spent long enough in a country that is foreign to them. But how necessary those lessons/experiences are is up to you.

Where I got my film photos developed. Shouts out.

     One of my first interactions with fellow students in the program was someone who said that they had never been to California. As someone who was born and raised in Los Angeles, and attends college only an hour away, this was hard for me to wrap my head around. I'd left the state a number of times before, but no one has ever vocalized to me how unfamiliar this place I call home is to them. And that interaction was with a fellow American, my concerns for how my interactions with Czech people would go were only mounting after that. It ended up being fine, for the most part we only interacted when it was necessary (shopping, restaurants, school staff), one could say I had less robust experience due to this but I dare say it was for the best. I was not too willing to go out of my comfort zone and make local friends that I would have leave in a couple of months anyways.

Street corner near my apartment.
Yes that says Erotic City.

     Now that I am home, I do not think about my time there too often. But I am still learning from it. Only recently was I able to understand what I meant by something I had said in a disagreement while I was still over there. Yeah, hindsight is 20/20, but I also have to acknowledge that I am still processing everything that the past four months meant to me. There's nothing I particularly miss  about being there, but there are aspects of my time there that I have a great appreciation for. Like the public transportation system; trams are ridiculously useful. I anticipate this to go on as I begin the next chapter of my life this summer-- sidebar: this was probably the most clearly defined chapter my life has had thus far, but maybe I am just being naive--, and there'll be another spike as I return to Claremont for my senior year in the fall.

Filmová a televizní fakulta Akademie múzických umění v Praze//

Film and TV School of the Academy of Performing Arts in Prague//
FAMU
The fifth oldest film school in the world. My school for the past four months.

     I wonder about five years from now. The period of time is arbitrary, but what will I think of my abroad experience then? Will I often look back upon it with fondness? Will it benefit me in the career I have chosen? Will I cross paths with people I met there? Time will tell and I am looking forward to it.

Back to the park, so awesome how the terminal stop for these trams
are actually in the park.

Thank you for reading my blog.    -Isaiah

Notable Quotables, Prague Spring 2019

As my study abroad stint in Prague draws to a close (I'll be in the air on the way home in less than 48hrs, wow), I am taking some time to reflect a bit on some of the things that I heard that stayed with me.

I got a developed roll of film back today so please enjoy some shots from that interspersed between the quotes.

Entrance/Exit to my apartment building
(peep the early morning shadows)

"Did you go into it expecting it to be meh?" -friend from Claremont

This is an important question, the answer to which has potentially shaped my whole experience here.
By nature, I absolutely detest letting myself down (this ties into being a perfectionist growing up and wanting to meet all of my own expectations). This is part of the reason why I say that I may be looking forward to something, but not necessarily excited for it. In doing this, I keep my expectations low-- or I don't have any at all-- for most new experiences and approach most situations with relative indifference. In straddling this happy medium I do believe that I limit myself in the interactions I pursue and boundaries I push, however. I did put forth some effort in making this experience an experience, and to an extent it was, but I always want more,  and I do believe it would have been attainable if I had set expectations and put myself to meet them.
I often say, albeit jokingly, say something along the lines of "nothing can beat a good/can-do attitude," and while there are definitely tangible limitations to keep us from a series of opportunities, I do subscribe to the notion that there is power in being positive and having self-belief.
What does this mean for my future and future experiences? I am unsure, I know I would have been floored if I had thought or even expected Prague to be the time of my life and it was everything but, but I think I have a better idea of what I want now. Don't worry, not all the points are going to be this long.

The mall I walked to countless times to buy groceries.

"It's like all of high school in one semester." -fellow program participant

How much this quote resonated with me shocked me at first, and it only became more true the more I thought about it. Another parallel that could have been made is camp, but the relatively long-term formation of relationships and immersive aspect of living in a city took it to the next level.
Mid-Jan to Mid-Feb, Freshman year: The program starts, you meet everyone, everyone is just trying to make good first impressions and put out what they want people to think of them as, and figuring out who they can be friends with/want to spend their time with AND figure out who they want to work on a film with.
Mid-Feb to Mid-April, Sophomore and Junior Year: Friend groups are more formally set, people are traveling and spending the entirety of spring break together, class work starts to feel more routine and monotonous, everyone just wants to shoot their films (senior year).
Mid-April to Mid-May, Senior Year: Shooting our films, a lot of free time since we are no longer in classes most of the day, much of the learning/pre-production work has been done in the past few months so there's a feeling of "no need to stress too much, it's too late now" especially after shooting and editing one's film, people are starting to talk more and more about life after Prague and wanting to go back to college (see what I did there?), various end-of-the-program ceremonies. They gave us our diplomas earlier tonight lol.

Flowers in Karlovo Náměstí    

"The days were long but the weeks went by fast."  - fellow program participant

Not too much to say about this one. Days are bound to feel long when you spend most of it in class or working on a film, but being so occupied made the days go by one after the other (recall what I said about routine) until boom, we're already in May.

Some digging work going on in the Vltava right by my apartment

"If your art does not speak to you, then it probably won't speak to anyone else"
     -not entirely sure who, could be anyone from one my professors to someone on Instagram

This speaks to what I mentioned on another post recently about feeling uninspired and detached from my photo work for a while this semester, especially when it came to travel photos. A big part of it was that whenever I looked at the viewfinder, it looked like something I had seen before, or, more directly, everything just looked the same. The whole do you make your art for yourself or for your consumers/the public debate is specific to each artist, and for me I think that I make separate art for both purposes, but the aforementioned quote is important to consider if I am working on art for the latter. If an image is not special to me, why would it be special to someone else? And even if it is, it's not really the art that I want to be putting out, because it is not of me. How did I get inspired again, you may ask? Just getting out and taking pictures again but not forcing it. It did help going out with a film camera, since the limited amount of exposures per roll of film and financial factor in having to buy and develop film makes people more selective with their shots, but this all works together to make the photographer see things in a different manner. Getting that special shot.
[[Not saying go out and buy a film camera right now, just speaking to my experience. The same thing can be done with one's phone camera, but asking oneself questions like "why am I taking this photo?" "what do I want to feel/think when I look back on it?" "could I do without this photo?" and a number of others, sometimes we just take photos just because we can]]

Maybe 10 seconds before it starting raining, in the Náměstí Republiky area

"Any job turns into a job... and you wouldn't trade it"
     -Sean Evans, "Billie Eilish Freaks Out While Eating Spicy Wings | Hot Ones" on YouTube

A question I deal with a lot in my young adulthood in trying to figure out my passion and what route to go down in pursuing a career is "what do I stick without when it is no longer fun?" The answer is not much. This quote, mentioned by the host of a YouTube show when interviewing teen singer sensation Billie Eilish about her newfound fame and it's resulting responsibilities, captures where I want to be. Not to put my father's business out there but he's worked 12 hour nursing shifts 6 days a week regularly since before I was born. I cannot even fathom that. When I've asked him how he does this before he acknowledges the difficulty of it, but also how that does not even come close to the conjunction of his passion for what he does and it being how he supports his family. While that second part is something I want to put on the back burner for the time being, I want to have a passion that gives me a tenacity that voracious. Sure, if it is my career, it'll start to feel like a job eventually and may even become tedious, but I want to care so much about it that that won't matter.

Another Vltava shot

"How are you feeling?" -various people

A good question to ask ourselves. Sometimes we operate on emotional/mental autopilot and just keep going because our life structure (needing to get school work done, having to go for work) calls for productivity before anything else. I don't fault you for it, I am in the same boat, we need to get it done. But it is essential to sit down and process our emotions, check-in with ourselves, and be in our own moments. This is why when people ask me how I'm doing, if there really is something that I am going through, I'll speak on it with varying depth depending on my relationship with the person. Just getting it off my chest. Also lets the person know that I trust them on a certain level. Promotes openness. That's me indulging myself in my emotions and for me it's far better than ignoring them until they boil over into something unproductive and potentially destructive. So, whenever you can, check-in with yourself. Take deep breaths, tell yourself positive affirmations, then go back to getting that work you feel me???

Alright lemme chill with the Vltava

"You need to get a haircut" -various people

A commentary on being unabashedly myself. People throughout the semester have told me that I need to get a haircut. But I did not want to, therefore I did not need to. There are definitely discriminatory institutional and de facto structures that I am more likely to be susceptible to with my hair grown out, but those are risks I knowingly incur at the stakes of expressing myself. This extends out to various reaches of identity and personal style because at the end of the day, if you know what you need, no one can tell you otherwise. I like my hair lol.

A swan freshening up alongside the Vl- ... river

"I'll tell you something, follow your heart. Do you understand?" -professor in the program

The context in which the professor said this was probably something within the area of trusting your gut when making on-set creative decisions. It makes sense: you're in that position for a reason, you have that creative liberty, do what feels right to you. What this professor, notorious for punctuating his teachings with "do you understand?", said is applicable to life in general, though. It's corny and has been said a million times over, but that does not make it any less true. After a certain point it is not about what is right or wrong, just what makes you feel best. And a part of me needed to have this experience to be able to comprehend that.

Same rainy day in Náměstí Republiky, outside my favorite salad place

"I'll see you again." -various people, including myself

Though I am not close with everyone on the program, something deep within me always feels significance at the realization that I may never see someone again. Even though all of the students I met on the program attend American institutions and most reside in the States, it's unlikely that the effort will be made to see each other unless there is a situation where we are knowingly proximal enough. But that is life and I believe that's okay. Everything must come to an end. I am happy for the good times that were shared that can never be undone.
Maybe it is said to soften the blows of reality; when the truth is too discomforting. Maybe it is true.
I'll get to what this means someday, even if this blog doesn't.

The One Where Isaiah Drank Too Much

Yep, you read that right.

Why am I writing about this? Because it happened, it's now a part of my study abroad experience, and it is significant to me. I have broached personal topics on here before (with varying depth) and this is no different
.
A few nights ago, on Thursday, there was a gathering at my apartment and I made the decision to keep drinking way past my limit. I take 100% responsibility for my actions, and expect more from myself. I try my best to learn from my mistakes, because what do I gain from beating up and being upset at myself over something that is now an indelible part of my personal history? It happened. All right. Who did I affect? How do I make things better? How do I grow from this? What is a lesson I can take away from this? Because otherwise I am making an already terrible situation worse and more likely to repeat it.

Those who know me from back at school, grew up with me, even a number of the people on this program know that I am not much of a drinker. Truth be told I didn't have my first drink until this past December, rationalizing that I should get some exposure to it before I came to Prague. Prague is a place where beer is generally cheaper than water and drinking is a large part of the culture so I figured, to get more a complete cultural experience, I would partake in drinking-- the drinking age here is 18 so don't worry. I've drank here and there at social gatherings, and occasionally had a beer to accompany a meal, but had yet to reach inebriation anywhere near where I was at a few nights back.

That previous paragraph isn't meant to put out a "oh this was just a one-time thing, this is not who I am" narrative about me, but to provide context about where I'm coming from, contextualizing my experience and actions, and how mistakes like these aren't easily typified. What I am trying to say is I do not drink frequently or even regularly, and yet I blacked out drunk recently. It can be an anomaly, it can be a new trend (but I will ensure the latter is not the case). It has given me a new perspective and sympathy towards those that drink a lot, but does not mean I have everyone that binge drinks figured out now. This is hard to elaborate. Just know that I will be better off because of this. I promise. To you and to me.

Apologizing. It was one of the first things I made sure I did to the people I assumed-- and later on learned from conversation while trying to reconstruct a timeline of the night-- I had interacted with that night. This was done in conjunction with thanking them for putting up with me. But all I said felt so futile. It was only made worse that I had no recollection whatsoever of what I had actually said or done and had to find out from them. I gave those people an undue burden and put them in a very uncomfortable position in having to take care of me.

I want to take a moment to express the utmost gratitude and appreciation for one my roommates in particular who took on the brunt of making sure that I was okay and got to bed and fell asleep, only leaving me be when it was certain I would no longer be a danger/nuisance to myself and others. Sidebar: he is working on a really intriguing, inspirational project and could really use your contributions to help it get produced! Link is here and seriously, anything you can give is valued. And it shouldn't take him taking care of me after I caused my own alcohol poisoning for me to spread the word about this. I'm sorry. If you're reading this, Joe, I cannot thank you enough for the kindness you showed me, you're a good man.

I have made mistakes in the past, I will make mistakes in the future. Judge me if you want, I have not been feeling too keen on myself recently either. But like I said, this is an opportunity to learn and grow. Whoever is reading this, even future me, there is always that opportunity, you just need to get to a point where you're ready to accept it first.

Mining Town of Jáchymov and Spa City of Karlovy Vary (OH right this is a travel blog)

     About a month ago, there was an optional trip put on by CET to go to the small towns of Jáchymov and Karlovy Vary in the western part of the Czech Republic, right by the border of Germany. This trip was an interesting one given the proximity of the neighboring towns and the huge gap in their historical functionalities. Jáchymov has historically been a mining town, from mining silver centuries ago to mining uranium the 20th century. Whereas Karlovy Vary has been known as a spa town for while, with settlements near it as early as the 13th century (Wikipedia). Much of the popularity of the town due to its various thermal springs and their noted medicinal purposes if they are drank. Recently, with mining not being as lucrative (?? no lie I'm not 100% sure of the reason) anymore, Jáchymov has tried to market itself more like Karlovy Vary, a spa city. So, for example, one can take a bath with uranium water if they want, since there aren't the adverse radioactive effects if it does not go into your body, but ahhh I'll pass. This treatment, radon therapy, is used to treat patients with nervous and rheumatic disorders (Wikipedia).

Photos from inside one of the uranium mines at Jáchymov, this one is well-ventilated

and now used for educational, museum-like purposes.

The story of the people who worked the mines at Jáchymov during the era of Communism in the middle of the 20th century is heartbreaking. A majority (?) of the workers at the camps were political prisoners under the Communist regime, sentenced to years of hard labor in these mines. Many of the details of the conditions of the camp and what life was like there we received from someone who experienced them firsthand as a political prisoner at Jáchymov and accompanied us on our trip to the town from Prague. I really appreciated CET orchestrating that.

Outside of the mine, attempting to lift up one of the cars that would carry
rocks being carried out of the mine. Sometimes workers would have to lift the cart
after it fell off of the rail it traveled along.

The man, Mr. K, spoke about being a teenager coming of age in a time where Communism, which he depicted as an enemy influence, was infiltrating almost every aspect of his life. He told stories of direct, potential life-or-death situations with authorities, his hatred for communists, and his understanding that his actions were necessary for him to ensure the best for the future his country and loved ones. He also told us about his life at the communist camp. From the long hours, to metal-banded human caravans of hundreds to ensure that no one tried to escape, to escaped prisoners, to forming relationships, to a survivalist mentality, and so much more. His experiential storytelling made me ashamed for the afterthought notes in countless history textbooks (especially in the U.S. but globally) that say little beyond "And the Communist regime took over in Czechoslovakia."

Eating oplatky, a large wafer that can be sandwiched with fillings such
tiramisu, white chocolate, caramel, etc., with fellow CET Film students

What I find most baffling about the situation was how day laborers and political prisoners were working side by side. This is worth special note given how harshly the guards were treating the political prisoners-- but this varied by the guards, as some were imported from different countries under the Communist regime and cared way more about meeting uranium quotas than particularly punishing Czech political prisoners. This situation of placement with the prisoners also allowed for some smuggling of letters and contraband in and out of the camp, showing the bond and bravery these non-prisoners showed for their fellow countrymen (there were little to no women at these camps).

The remains of a building in one of the camps where the prisoners would
receive their uniforms, if I am not mistaken.

The person translating all of the man's answers works for a nonprofit working to bring awareness to political prisoner situations like this one in Jáchymov, reconstructing a lot of the camps, which were torn down once all the prisoners were freed in 1964 in an effort to erase this heinous institution from history. Their website is https://www.facebook.com/SpolekPolitictiVezni/ .

Scenic Jáchymov hillside

Someone said at the end of this trip that rubbed me the wrong way. Something along the lines of:

"After hearing all that this man went through, I feel like I can never complain about anything again."
To this person's credit, hearing about the experiences had at this camp does give perspective into the variety of issues faced by people across the world.

But that person will complain again. We all do. And that diminishes their already half-hearted comment to almost an insult, because this person still found a way to make it about them. Beyond that, they are not providing the due respect for him going through all that, and being willing to share his store and relive all of that mentally for the sake of the education of others. An added layer to how I perceived this comment was how visibly disrespectful this person was being-- shuffling in the snow-- while Mr. K was talking.

And, in another way, pain and discomfort is relative. There is no objective struggle, and when you try to set one as the benchmark you are invalidating so many others. I recall in recent years there was a campaign where people from the Global South were reading direct "#FirstWorldProblems" quotes, like "when your iphone charger is too short so you can't charge your phone in bed #FirstWorldProblems" or something and the point was to emphasize how these aren't real problems when you put it in the perspective of someone who actually has problems. The video is here. This is a great exercise in providing perspective, but it is readily categorized with the Sarah Mclachlan "In the arms of an angel" animal commercials and "for just 2 cents a day you can help a child in need...." commercials. They disrupt the comforts of our daily lives and are usually when people would change the channel in the days before DVR and streaming. How do we fix this issue and have it correlate to action? I do not know. I am just as much of the problem by complaining and doing nothing about it. But I digres..

That was a more extreme example, I acknowledge, but it is along the same vein. To me, it sounds like this was a comment made for that person to feel better about themselves, even though it was never their struggle to co-opt in the first place. Anyways.

Celebrity Guest Appearances!

One of the best parts about studying abroad for me...

has been meeting up with people I know from back home in these countries thousands of miles away.

My friend and fellow study abroader July on a pedal boat
on the Vltava River in Prague.

Usually, I find travel photos so corny. This has contributed to my lack of inspiration with my photography since I got arrived here-- it all ends up looking the same to me. And seeing people in front of a monument on instagram is visually appealing, sure, but played out and seemingly disingenuous. But when I have someone that I have pre-Prague (and know that I will have post-Prague) memories with I want to be sure that I get a photo together with them; taking quick little photos to commemorate these moments gives us something to look back upon.

With O-Money O-Problems and his friend Rollman in London (left) and Prague (right)

And as you can tell by the photos I am including in this post, we aren't posing in front of landmarks for all of social media to see how privileged we are, embarking on these travels. (And I'm not saying doing that is inherently better or worse than what I am doing, it's just not what I am doing). Instead, these rather ordinary snapshots serve as the gateway to memories that flood in. Memory is associative, so these photos do far more than show off where we are at and what we are doing. They help me remember the conversations, activities, and feeling of being there with a friend. These photos are for me (but I'm still sharing it with you because blog).

With someone I had not seen since high school, Genevieve, in Prague

The experience of meeting up with these friends was also heavily influenced by how long it had been since I had last seen them. In one case, I met up with someone that I had not really seen or spoken to since high school, and in a number of ways I found that I was reverting to my high school self. Being able to realize, acknowledge, and then free myself from that mentality is demonstrative of my growth since then, I believe.  In conversation with this person there was the added layer of trying to condense three years of transformative experience into a conversation-appropriate sized bite. Yes, there is a recency bias to what one chooses to share, but it did put into perspective how much that I, at the time, perceived as so dire and high-stakes about my college experience; these are all now distant afterthoughts now that I am after the fact. What one chooses to share also relates to the closeness they feel to their conversation partner, but big news is big news regardless.

Serving looks with June in Paris

Goofing around with Hope in London

Five years ago-- which, shockingly, was still my sophomore year of high school--, if you told me I would be meeting up in Central Europe with these people I was seeing everyday in high school back in the States, I might have believed you. I have always had faith in their abilities to do things on a global scale, but I would not have been able to possibly fathom how we, myself in particular, got there. Or how great it would feel to be surrounded by them once again. Thankful for you all.

Acting a fool with one of the fooliest of them all, Sara, in London.

Still Active

I've been blogging, just not here...

I may have mentioned this in a prior post but I have been contributing for blogger series for both my school, CMC, and the abroad program I am studying through, CET.

So I guess you could say I'm... out here.

Me at the desk used in the film Grand Budapest Hotel, located
at Studio Babelsberg in Babelsberg, Germany, near Berlin.

Being honest though I've  put out a decent amount of content (thoughts, photos) out there, so if you want some more of this smooth consciousness-- idk why you would-- then go ahead and check out the following links.

Blog with a funny name that I have been using for CMC Blogger Series:

https://praguewithablog.blogspot.com/

Blog links to my posts that I put out through CET:

https://cetacademicprograms.com/school-prague-film-school-film-school-prague/

https://cetacademicprograms.com/photo-essay-cet-prague-26/

https://cetacademicprograms.com/prague-first-impressions/
https://cetacademicprograms.com/photo-essay-cet-prague-27/

A photo of me doing the damn thing when a friend in the
Photography part of the program asked me to model for her project

The Dangers of Falling In Love

NO000ooo despite what may be gleaned from my last post, this is not about a person!!1!

     I'd had this blog post in mind for a while, even before my hiatus, and especially before getting involved with the person. This was supposed to be a post about losing one's self in the moment. Being in a place, being of a certain age, and, especially, being of a certain mindset. Being susceptible to becoming so infatuated with the moment that the inevitable future comes as a surprise, shakes up your perception of reality, and knocks you on your ass for a couple days. Maybe a week. ((Maybe you get back up an indeterminate amount of time later but you could never be the same)). In short, falling in love. No, this post won't be various ruminations on love and it's meaning.

View of the Vltava River

Not to say that I was at risk with falling in love with Prague, but the option (option? Is he saying that falling in love is an active action and not just something that falls into place sheerly off of the belief in it's presence? Scandalous) was always there given the factors: It's a romantic city with a lot of centuries old architecture and a certain level of European charm; I'm young and constantly searching for momentary direction [[long-term is it's own bag of worms]], I'm not involved in or committed to anyone or anything really, and I'm studying art. This sounds like some cheesy ass movie that I would cry at the end of. But, it didn't happen.

I did not want this to be a momentous, potentially defining, experience for me. I did not want to spend the rest of my life clamoring to get back here. I did not want to find myself here only to lose it when I had to return home. It is all relative. Loving my abroad experience was not what I wanted or needed at this part of my life. I don't know what I need, but referring to my last paragraph, there are a plethora of directions I go towards, and this was just me exercising one of my options. I do not believe I want to pursue film long term. 

Neon sign sculpture atop of the Jazz Dock jazz club

Hmm, when I was planning this all out a month and a half ago I was expecting a much larger blog post, hmm... maybe this will be a (partial) rumination on love. Just a little bit.

Parental love has always been a point of thorough interest (not quite fixation but definite preoccupation) for me. I like to turn to the poem "Those Winter Sundays" by Robert Hayden when I think about this love. The line

What did I know, what did I know

of love’s austere and lonely offices?

reverberates with me at a greater frequency and is applicable to so much of what is out there with love (Hayden 13-14).

Park (Portheimka?) that I pass daily on my commute

We all learn how love ought to be from somewhere, and through experiences and trial and error we evolve into our own definitions, but no two of us are operating with exactly the same dictionary (I am a firm believer in the attributive meaning of our personal vocabularies), so we clash and conflict. Sometimes we adjust given circumstance, other times compromise isn't even a conceivable option.

I think the latter was where I found myself with Prague. I was/am not entirely willing to fall in love with it, especially knowing how soon I would be/am leaving. And it's usually best not to get involved when you can already foresee the probable outcome.

Don't go around breaking your own heart. Love is compromise. Love is attention. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is a whole lot of other things. I'm tired.

Haven't linked you all a new playlist in while, so here:

roast vegetables

no, I didn't name it, I probably would have named it "Because Right Now I Choose Sadness".

yes, it's a break-up playlist.

Recall to: concept of oversharing. This is easy from a place of vulnerability.

Y'all be good.

Damn Isaiah, Where'd You Go?

Maaan, I couldn't even tell you...

What's up everybody, here we are, unapologetically two months after my last post ((which ahhhh wasn't the best part to leave off at, I'll admit that, but at the point I wasn't even planning on leaving off)).

"Well, what have you been up to?"

Damn near everything lol. Before I dive any further I will update you that I emailed my teacher (from the post right before this one) that same night about the incident and he apologized, saying he was deeply sorry and that there was no malicious intention, so that's good.

Also, one of the things I was starting to notice about blogging regularly about my time here was that I was spending a lot of my mental time and energy on being constantly self-aware. It was fine for a bit, and being generally self-aware is a good thing (in my opinion), but I felt like it was getting in the way of the experience I was having here. You know? Having to process at the end of my day or week in my head, to myself, is one thing. Trying to type it all out with an honest narrative voice (which begets questions of how much or how little should I share), maintaining a flow of content so I do not miss out on important details, events, etc. Truthfully is just became a lot of work, and I guess I just needed a break from it.

In the meantime, I:

-finished the script for the short film we are working on this semester

-went on Spring break, five countries in eight days (terrible idea)

     -London, England; Paris, France; Brussels, Belgium; Amsterdam, Denmark; Belgium, Germany

-started dating someone (whaaat?)

-broke up with that someone (awww)

-felt uninspired with photography and art in general

Photos of the Blue Church of St. Elizabeth
Bratislava, Slovakia

-took some photos because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated too, and felt something there

-remained in contact with friends and family back home and gained some grounding through that

-started cooking a bit more (I still suck but that's okay!)

-worked on being more patient and having more grace with myself

-a litany of other things

Some seasoned turkey with unforgivably soggy rice and
store-bought tomato paste. Turkey was decent.

Some seasoned chicken and rice (stained with tomato paste)
that I made a while back. Had potential that was not met.

"Why now? We practically forgot all about you."

I mean, damn, please don't forget about me, but if you do then that's just the way things have are going to be, I suppose (been thinking a lot about what we choose to allow/what's worth your time and effort/what is only irreconcilable because we choose not to work on it, hence the word change).

Anyways, right now is the final week of classes, and there's still roughly six weeks left in the program (usually I would say something like 'oh wow, how time flies' but no, it definitely feels like I have been here for a while lol), and so part of the reason is I am ending major part of the program and it feels like a good time to provide updates and be actively reflective and self-aware again. Another part of it is that this is something to do in the meantime. I'm hoping this begins an avalanche of productivity, like "Okay, done with the blog post, might as well go sightseeing or hit up the gym," as opposed to spending my final month here chilling in bed half the day. Even if I was more socially engaged and had people always hitting me up to hang out, I just don't have that much social energy/patience.

A poorly composed but still dramatic photo of the street I had
near my Airbnb in London, England.
(NE view down Alberta St. from it's intersection w Braganza St., near Kennington Underground Station)
(I'm a stickler for specific locations, I know)

The rest of the program is full of shooting dates for the various working groups that will each be shooting their films in three-day periods (there's 16 groups in my study abroad program alone but I know that there's at least one other program here from NYU so we have to share resources like studio time with them as well), so when I'm not shooting or helping out on someone else's set I'm big chilling.

So expect to see more blog posts, I guess. Probably about the list I mentioned earlier, definitely some vacation photos. I truly have no idea what the rest of this program has in store for me (at a personal level). I anticipate the collaborative process of filming and various deadlines to be difficult but it's all a part of the game. Take it easy.

Incidents

Happy Valentine's Day

 A little bit of history: This holiday is celebrated to an unclear extent in the Czech Republic. What I have heard is that after the Velvet Revolution in 1989-- which brought about the end of communism in Czechoslovakia and opened it up to Western culture and influences-- when a lot of what Americans do and celebrate was introduced to the country, Valentine's and holidays like it (Halloween) were celebrated as a kind of novelty. Now, however, Czech's have a renewed appreciation for their own traditionally Czech holiday on May 1st. It's their Labor Day (Svátek práce, První máj) but they treat it as a day for love now, since the people were forced to participate in large celebrations of labor by their socialist leaders. (Legend says if a woman does not get kissed under a cherry tree by her lover she will wither away; I'm just parlaying the message don't ask me). (JobSpin)

Hope you're not done reading yet, this is just getting interesting...

Imma rapid fire this experience so you can feel it in the moment:

-In the acting studio class that is a part of the curriculum to make student filmmakers more sympathetic to the plight/psychology of actors (essentially)

-Reading a scene from "When Harry Met Sally", the exchange is between a man and a woman

-(The man and the woman are Harry and Sally, respectively)

-Acting prof is visibly tooting her progressive horn when saying that we can have whatever genders read for the roles

-"It can be guy and girl. Girl and girl. Guy and guy. It doesn't matter!"

-Her point was made at that point, she really could have stopped right there

-But she kept going

-I read the scene with a white guy

-Prof says that our scene can "mean so many things! You could have slept with his girlfriend or vice versa!Or you could be from different countries and meeting somewhere! Tell me, where are your parents from?"

-Me: "Hmm?" (also a golden opportunity for her to realize what she was saying was totally irrelevant and borderline inappropriate given what we were talking about)

-Prof: "Where are you parents from?"

-Me: "Congo DRC"

-Prof: "Ah! Yes, yes Congo. So you two could be meeting in LA or something and you'd have no idea what that's like!"

-then she went on to talk about some other bullshit

Meanwhile, I (Isaiah Tulanda, Los Angeles, CA born & raised) was sitting there in disbelief like

(Nick Young, professional basketball player, fellow LA Native, expressing disbelief)

(Ironically I was wearing a Claremont shirt at that moment, Claremont isn't a big name but it is literally in LA County, wow)

That was yesterday (Wednesday). Let me tell you about today though...

I will preface this by saying the professor did this to a white student as well in the other section, before mine.

Storyboarding studio, talking about the importance of having a storyboard (visual representations of your scenes) before shoot:

-I'm sitting in the front row as I am sometimes wont to do, but there's only two rows in this classroom

-Prof is eccentric, in emphasizing the necessity of having the proper tools to realize your goals he has me split an apple in half using my hands compared to someone using a knife (he brought his own knife)

-(Fine enough example, right? Point was made)

-But he kept going

-He brings out a chain and talks about how we need to captivate/capture our audience and guide them to what we want them to focus on

-He puts the chain around my neck

and I let it happen.

-My white and other nonblack classmates (yes I am the only black student in this section) watch with laughter/nervous laughter/aghast remove

-I am so overwhelmed and in awe of the situation that I find myself in that I just laugh and hope that it ends soon.

I will not discuss what the imagery of this white man I'd known less than an hour putting a chain around my neck looked connoted, how it relates to my Black identity or my Congolese identity is very well documented.

I know there was no malicious intent behind this act, but that does not make it okay. I have emailed the professor already and I am awaiting a response. I never feared for my safety during this interaction, and I am still living this extremely privileged experience, but that does not make it okay. I did not consent to this example, and I did not say anything during class because I did not want to make a scene. Like I said earlier, it happened to a white student, but this should not have happened to either of us.

The Czech Republic and its inhabitants are not the most keen on the cultural and racial sensitivities of America (remember the post where I mentioned the overwhelming ethnic majority of the state?), and I do not expect them to be, but examples of anti-Blackness can be seen globally.

If a program is to have international students in their clientele they should be thoughtful in preparing the staff that will be interacting with them. The irony in this is that one of the program directors (a Czech native) was there the entire class. Yep, watched the entire thing happen. It also does not help that I was wearing my "I <3 OBSA; The Office of Black Student Affairs Serving the Claremont Colleges" shirt. Just a whole mess that I know will linger in the recesses of my subconscious for a very long time.

After all this, I just want to go home. Or Claremont. Be surrounded by people I love and that love me. But that's not how this works. This post-high school/pre-settled down stage of life will be (and has been) marred by discomfort, but I'll be damned if ignorant people make me stray the course.

Take care of yourselves, spread some love today.

UPDATE: I wrote this teacher an e-mail later this same night and he replied saying he was deeply sorry and that there was no malicious intention. I believe it. At least all is settled now.

Oh the People You Will Meet || A Solitary Existence

One thing I have learned from meeting many different people in my life is that you will sometimes meet the same people over and over again. Not in the literal sense where you are literally introduced to the same individual more than once-- though Drake oft-forgotten verse on Rick Ross' "Aston Martin Music" (Explicit) does feature the poignant lyric, "Reintroduced to people I’ve been introduced to/ Did you forget me?/ Or are you too scared to tell me that you met me/ And fear that I won’t remember/ I wish you could still accept me for me", so it is not unheard of to our more famous counterparts--  but rather, you meet tropes/caricatures/ready-made versions of people over and over again. Learning this can benefit you in the first impressions you give off, for example, since you would have met a person like the one you're currently meeting before, and consequently know a bit about how to navigate relations with them, you can tailor your approach to make sure your first interaction is exactly what that person would like. Don't get me wrong, we are all individuals and unique and different, but we are far more alike than we are different, most times. This is a useful lesson, because as soon as it is learned, it is flipped upon its head, as people shatter your expectations of who they are all the time. When this happens, it is a humbling lesson in not judging a book by its cover and having an open mind. And those people, the ones that make you reassess your cynical take on the world and its inhabitants, those are the ones you should into further; they've already surprised you once, who knows what else they may have to offer.

Confusing, right? You might want to read that protracted first paragraph again.

Yea, it's going to be that kind of post lol.

I have been thinking contemplating ruminating, more so than usual I guess. I am not a drinker (actually really don't like the taste of alcohol whatsoever), and I have done alright for myself socially throughout college. Being here, I figured I would give it a shot to see what the bar/club atmosphere and draw is all about. It is quite the interesting one. Of course there are elements of performance to it, especially in going out with a group (i.e. being the fun one, being socially engaged, having such a high tolerance, etc.), but for a recluse like myself I find more satisfaction in an evening where I keep to myself. The optics of staying in when I am at Claremont (everything is super nearby so I always have the option of changing my mind and going out of my room and running into something and being socially engaged that way; simultaneously, I have a single, and can easily fall off the radar) compared to living here (when I am alone it usually means everyone else went out, and I feel as though I should be too, instead of being cooped up in here) are dramatically different. I am unsure if I would characterize myself at lonely, and I'm certainly not taking the necessary steps to ameliorate this feeling if I am, but you sure do have a lot of time to think about how alone you are (and why you are that way) when there's no one around you. A recurring thought of this most recent semester before I got here was "being alone, by choice or circumstance?"

This may be giving the impression that people just don't invite me anywhere and I am sad about. I definitely do more than my part in ensuring my own solitude, from turning down invites, to cancelling plans, to just leaving situations when I no longer want to be socially involved. Part of it is that I just do not vibe with what is going on around me, so I just check-out from social engagement and after a while just physically leave (like if we are at a bar and others want to stay another hour while my social battery ran out an hour ago). Would not be surprised if this all has a link to depression, but I think this is also a necessary part of me growing up, realizing what I want my 20s to look like, and respecting my own boundaries. So I'm alone.

This is hard to follow, I got the skeleton of this blog post out at 2am last week (sadly I think it was a school night), but I am tweaking it for clarity today, Feb. 11.

I am reminded of the last lyric from the outro of J. Cole's "Fire Squad" (Explicit):

It's for all the kings

Cause I know deep down every poet just wanna be loved

I know that deep down, we are all poets. The extended metaphor I am extrapolating is that poetry is taking something that is seen as ordinary/mundane (in poetry, the example applies to words) and turning them into/finding something beautiful in them. Anyone's passion can be seen as "just ______" but to the person who holds that passion it is so much more than that. You could say (but you would be absurdly wrong) that my father-- to reference a role model again-- is "just giving medicine" to his patients, while I think that he and many others (myself included) would say that he is helping save lives. So he is a poet, and the medium of his poetry is nursing. There's a poeticism to having a passion, please do not shy away from it.

Anyways, back to the lyric. Since we are all poets, we all just want to be loved, deep down. But through my solitary disposition, I believe I complicate the ways people relate and form relationships with me. Translating this into the context of this program, I am still finding a social niche where I can get my much-sought alone time, thoroughly and thoughtfully engage with others, while not feeling compelled to have to go out and be involved in the bar/club scene that I know is not really who I am (at least the iterations that I have been exposed to).

I am often at a loss when people ask me what I do for fun since I do not really go out much at school; which means a lot of wasted time that could be used to better myself and produce work. But I can only be so productive before I just feel burned out and actually want to have fun.
So, long story short: I need to figure out what I like to do for fun on my own, and figure out how I can form relationships that are mutually beneficial but do not push me beyond my self-imposed limits, or do push those limits and I benefit from it.

Feels as though there are a million and one things I have to say on this topic, but it will just feel like I am talking in circles and this post is already long. Here's a couple of photos, you already made it through so much text. (all photos I include on this blog are unedited unless otherwise stated, these aren't going in my portfolio so I'm indifferent lol)

View from neighborhood near our apartment in Smíchov

Street in Smíchov

View as one comes down Petřín Hill, near the Petřín Hill Lookout Tower,
which they'll tell you is like the Eiffel Tower but it's not lol

Similar view as the previous, but now featuring a gold-roofed
theater in the center, Národní divadlo (National theatre)

Language differences in the name of the city