Damn Isaiah, Where'd You Go?

Maaan, I couldn't even tell you...

What's up everybody, here we are, unapologetically two months after my last post ((which ahhhh wasn't the best part to leave off at, I'll admit that, but at the point I wasn't even planning on leaving off)).

"Well, what have you been up to?"

Damn near everything lol. Before I dive any further I will update you that I emailed my teacher (from the post right before this one) that same night about the incident and he apologized, saying he was deeply sorry and that there was no malicious intention, so that's good.

Also, one of the things I was starting to notice about blogging regularly about my time here was that I was spending a lot of my mental time and energy on being constantly self-aware. It was fine for a bit, and being generally self-aware is a good thing (in my opinion), but I felt like it was getting in the way of the experience I was having here. You know? Having to process at the end of my day or week in my head, to myself, is one thing. Trying to type it all out with an honest narrative voice (which begets questions of how much or how little should I share), maintaining a flow of content so I do not miss out on important details, events, etc. Truthfully is just became a lot of work, and I guess I just needed a break from it.

In the meantime, I:

-finished the script for the short film we are working on this semester

-went on Spring break, five countries in eight days (terrible idea)

     -London, England; Paris, France; Brussels, Belgium; Amsterdam, Denmark; Belgium, Germany

-started dating someone (whaaat?)

-broke up with that someone (awww)

-felt uninspired with photography and art in general

Photos of the Blue Church of St. Elizabeth
Bratislava, Slovakia

-took some photos because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated too, and felt something there

-remained in contact with friends and family back home and gained some grounding through that

-started cooking a bit more (I still suck but that's okay!)

-worked on being more patient and having more grace with myself

-a litany of other things

Some seasoned turkey with unforgivably soggy rice and
store-bought tomato paste. Turkey was decent.

Some seasoned chicken and rice (stained with tomato paste)
that I made a while back. Had potential that was not met.

"Why now? We practically forgot all about you."

I mean, damn, please don't forget about me, but if you do then that's just the way things have are going to be, I suppose (been thinking a lot about what we choose to allow/what's worth your time and effort/what is only irreconcilable because we choose not to work on it, hence the word change).

Anyways, right now is the final week of classes, and there's still roughly six weeks left in the program (usually I would say something like 'oh wow, how time flies' but no, it definitely feels like I have been here for a while lol), and so part of the reason is I am ending major part of the program and it feels like a good time to provide updates and be actively reflective and self-aware again. Another part of it is that this is something to do in the meantime. I'm hoping this begins an avalanche of productivity, like "Okay, done with the blog post, might as well go sightseeing or hit up the gym," as opposed to spending my final month here chilling in bed half the day. Even if I was more socially engaged and had people always hitting me up to hang out, I just don't have that much social energy/patience.

A poorly composed but still dramatic photo of the street I had
near my Airbnb in London, England.
(NE view down Alberta St. from it's intersection w Braganza St., near Kennington Underground Station)
(I'm a stickler for specific locations, I know)

The rest of the program is full of shooting dates for the various working groups that will each be shooting their films in three-day periods (there's 16 groups in my study abroad program alone but I know that there's at least one other program here from NYU so we have to share resources like studio time with them as well), so when I'm not shooting or helping out on someone else's set I'm big chilling.

So expect to see more blog posts, I guess. Probably about the list I mentioned earlier, definitely some vacation photos. I truly have no idea what the rest of this program has in store for me (at a personal level). I anticipate the collaborative process of filming and various deadlines to be difficult but it's all a part of the game. Take it easy.

Incidents

Happy Valentine's Day

 A little bit of history: This holiday is celebrated to an unclear extent in the Czech Republic. What I have heard is that after the Velvet Revolution in 1989-- which brought about the end of communism in Czechoslovakia and opened it up to Western culture and influences-- when a lot of what Americans do and celebrate was introduced to the country, Valentine's and holidays like it (Halloween) were celebrated as a kind of novelty. Now, however, Czech's have a renewed appreciation for their own traditionally Czech holiday on May 1st. It's their Labor Day (Svátek práce, První máj) but they treat it as a day for love now, since the people were forced to participate in large celebrations of labor by their socialist leaders. (Legend says if a woman does not get kissed under a cherry tree by her lover she will wither away; I'm just parlaying the message don't ask me). (JobSpin)

Hope you're not done reading yet, this is just getting interesting...

Imma rapid fire this experience so you can feel it in the moment:

-In the acting studio class that is a part of the curriculum to make student filmmakers more sympathetic to the plight/psychology of actors (essentially)

-Reading a scene from "When Harry Met Sally", the exchange is between a man and a woman

-(The man and the woman are Harry and Sally, respectively)

-Acting prof is visibly tooting her progressive horn when saying that we can have whatever genders read for the roles

-"It can be guy and girl. Girl and girl. Guy and guy. It doesn't matter!"

-Her point was made at that point, she really could have stopped right there

-But she kept going

-I read the scene with a white guy

-Prof says that our scene can "mean so many things! You could have slept with his girlfriend or vice versa!Or you could be from different countries and meeting somewhere! Tell me, where are your parents from?"

-Me: "Hmm?" (also a golden opportunity for her to realize what she was saying was totally irrelevant and borderline inappropriate given what we were talking about)

-Prof: "Where are you parents from?"

-Me: "Congo DRC"

-Prof: "Ah! Yes, yes Congo. So you two could be meeting in LA or something and you'd have no idea what that's like!"

-then she went on to talk about some other bullshit

Meanwhile, I (Isaiah Tulanda, Los Angeles, CA born & raised) was sitting there in disbelief like

(Nick Young, professional basketball player, fellow LA Native, expressing disbelief)

(Ironically I was wearing a Claremont shirt at that moment, Claremont isn't a big name but it is literally in LA County, wow)

That was yesterday (Wednesday). Let me tell you about today though...

I will preface this by saying the professor did this to a white student as well in the other section, before mine.

Storyboarding studio, talking about the importance of having a storyboard (visual representations of your scenes) before shoot:

-I'm sitting in the front row as I am sometimes wont to do, but there's only two rows in this classroom

-Prof is eccentric, in emphasizing the necessity of having the proper tools to realize your goals he has me split an apple in half using my hands compared to someone using a knife (he brought his own knife)

-(Fine enough example, right? Point was made)

-But he kept going

-He brings out a chain and talks about how we need to captivate/capture our audience and guide them to what we want them to focus on

-He puts the chain around my neck

and I let it happen.

-My white and other nonblack classmates (yes I am the only black student in this section) watch with laughter/nervous laughter/aghast remove

-I am so overwhelmed and in awe of the situation that I find myself in that I just laugh and hope that it ends soon.

I will not discuss what the imagery of this white man I'd known less than an hour putting a chain around my neck looked connoted, how it relates to my Black identity or my Congolese identity is very well documented.

I know there was no malicious intent behind this act, but that does not make it okay. I have emailed the professor already and I am awaiting a response. I never feared for my safety during this interaction, and I am still living this extremely privileged experience, but that does not make it okay. I did not consent to this example, and I did not say anything during class because I did not want to make a scene. Like I said earlier, it happened to a white student, but this should not have happened to either of us.

The Czech Republic and its inhabitants are not the most keen on the cultural and racial sensitivities of America (remember the post where I mentioned the overwhelming ethnic majority of the state?), and I do not expect them to be, but examples of anti-Blackness can be seen globally.

If a program is to have international students in their clientele they should be thoughtful in preparing the staff that will be interacting with them. The irony in this is that one of the program directors (a Czech native) was there the entire class. Yep, watched the entire thing happen. It also does not help that I was wearing my "I <3 OBSA; The Office of Black Student Affairs Serving the Claremont Colleges" shirt. Just a whole mess that I know will linger in the recesses of my subconscious for a very long time.

After all this, I just want to go home. Or Claremont. Be surrounded by people I love and that love me. But that's not how this works. This post-high school/pre-settled down stage of life will be (and has been) marred by discomfort, but I'll be damned if ignorant people make me stray the course.

Take care of yourselves, spread some love today.

UPDATE: I wrote this teacher an e-mail later this same night and he replied saying he was deeply sorry and that there was no malicious intention. I believe it. At least all is settled now.

Oh the People You Will Meet || A Solitary Existence

One thing I have learned from meeting many different people in my life is that you will sometimes meet the same people over and over again. Not in the literal sense where you are literally introduced to the same individual more than once-- though Drake oft-forgotten verse on Rick Ross' "Aston Martin Music" (Explicit) does feature the poignant lyric, "Reintroduced to people I’ve been introduced to/ Did you forget me?/ Or are you too scared to tell me that you met me/ And fear that I won’t remember/ I wish you could still accept me for me", so it is not unheard of to our more famous counterparts--  but rather, you meet tropes/caricatures/ready-made versions of people over and over again. Learning this can benefit you in the first impressions you give off, for example, since you would have met a person like the one you're currently meeting before, and consequently know a bit about how to navigate relations with them, you can tailor your approach to make sure your first interaction is exactly what that person would like. Don't get me wrong, we are all individuals and unique and different, but we are far more alike than we are different, most times. This is a useful lesson, because as soon as it is learned, it is flipped upon its head, as people shatter your expectations of who they are all the time. When this happens, it is a humbling lesson in not judging a book by its cover and having an open mind. And those people, the ones that make you reassess your cynical take on the world and its inhabitants, those are the ones you should into further; they've already surprised you once, who knows what else they may have to offer.

Confusing, right? You might want to read that protracted first paragraph again.

Yea, it's going to be that kind of post lol.

I have been thinking contemplating ruminating, more so than usual I guess. I am not a drinker (actually really don't like the taste of alcohol whatsoever), and I have done alright for myself socially throughout college. Being here, I figured I would give it a shot to see what the bar/club atmosphere and draw is all about. It is quite the interesting one. Of course there are elements of performance to it, especially in going out with a group (i.e. being the fun one, being socially engaged, having such a high tolerance, etc.), but for a recluse like myself I find more satisfaction in an evening where I keep to myself. The optics of staying in when I am at Claremont (everything is super nearby so I always have the option of changing my mind and going out of my room and running into something and being socially engaged that way; simultaneously, I have a single, and can easily fall off the radar) compared to living here (when I am alone it usually means everyone else went out, and I feel as though I should be too, instead of being cooped up in here) are dramatically different. I am unsure if I would characterize myself at lonely, and I'm certainly not taking the necessary steps to ameliorate this feeling if I am, but you sure do have a lot of time to think about how alone you are (and why you are that way) when there's no one around you. A recurring thought of this most recent semester before I got here was "being alone, by choice or circumstance?"

This may be giving the impression that people just don't invite me anywhere and I am sad about. I definitely do more than my part in ensuring my own solitude, from turning down invites, to cancelling plans, to just leaving situations when I no longer want to be socially involved. Part of it is that I just do not vibe with what is going on around me, so I just check-out from social engagement and after a while just physically leave (like if we are at a bar and others want to stay another hour while my social battery ran out an hour ago). Would not be surprised if this all has a link to depression, but I think this is also a necessary part of me growing up, realizing what I want my 20s to look like, and respecting my own boundaries. So I'm alone.

This is hard to follow, I got the skeleton of this blog post out at 2am last week (sadly I think it was a school night), but I am tweaking it for clarity today, Feb. 11.

I am reminded of the last lyric from the outro of J. Cole's "Fire Squad" (Explicit):

It's for all the kings

Cause I know deep down every poet just wanna be loved

I know that deep down, we are all poets. The extended metaphor I am extrapolating is that poetry is taking something that is seen as ordinary/mundane (in poetry, the example applies to words) and turning them into/finding something beautiful in them. Anyone's passion can be seen as "just ______" but to the person who holds that passion it is so much more than that. You could say (but you would be absurdly wrong) that my father-- to reference a role model again-- is "just giving medicine" to his patients, while I think that he and many others (myself included) would say that he is helping save lives. So he is a poet, and the medium of his poetry is nursing. There's a poeticism to having a passion, please do not shy away from it.

Anyways, back to the lyric. Since we are all poets, we all just want to be loved, deep down. But through my solitary disposition, I believe I complicate the ways people relate and form relationships with me. Translating this into the context of this program, I am still finding a social niche where I can get my much-sought alone time, thoroughly and thoughtfully engage with others, while not feeling compelled to have to go out and be involved in the bar/club scene that I know is not really who I am (at least the iterations that I have been exposed to).

I am often at a loss when people ask me what I do for fun since I do not really go out much at school; which means a lot of wasted time that could be used to better myself and produce work. But I can only be so productive before I just feel burned out and actually want to have fun.
So, long story short: I need to figure out what I like to do for fun on my own, and figure out how I can form relationships that are mutually beneficial but do not push me beyond my self-imposed limits, or do push those limits and I benefit from it.

Feels as though there are a million and one things I have to say on this topic, but it will just feel like I am talking in circles and this post is already long. Here's a couple of photos, you already made it through so much text. (all photos I include on this blog are unedited unless otherwise stated, these aren't going in my portfolio so I'm indifferent lol)

View from neighborhood near our apartment in Smíchov

Street in Smíchov

View as one comes down Petřín Hill, near the Petřín Hill Lookout Tower,
which they'll tell you is like the Eiffel Tower but it's not lol

Similar view as the previous, but now featuring a gold-roofed
theater in the center, Národní divadlo (National theatre)

Language differences in the name of the city

Week 2/3|| Czech New Wave

To those that are concerned: My tummy is back to normal! I am quite grateful that antacid is an English/Czech cognate and I was able to settle things. Funny story, I was rushing to hang out with a friend and there weren't any clean cups in the apartment so I decided to take a waterfall from the water filter pitcher. I lifted it above my mouth, and realized that that was what had been stinking up the apartment for the past week, which is quite concerning because I drink drank a lot of my water from there. So maybe that's were it came from, making my "Something in the Water" title to my previous post unsettlingly salient.

     Another week down, another diary entry at the keys. This week saw the start of filmstuffs, watching four films from Czechoslovakia's New Wave of film (when filmmakers, most, if not all, of which studied at FAMU, were making more arthouse films in the period between 1963 and 1968, after the film studios were no longer run by the state but before the Communist occupation). They follow a looser narrative structure, less cause-and-effect, which can sometimes be hard to watch. There was one film that actually made me question "hmm, is this what I want to be this semester, let alone as a career?" but that was a film that was far off the deep end. ANYWAYS, real classes/orientation/something else I guess, start this upcoming week, and a steady schedule of 9am is awaiting me. Joy.

     This has not quite felt like school yet, even though I was having about 6hrs of class per day last week, which is a good sign. My father, a man who has worked 12hr shifts, 6 days a week for as long as I could remember, attributes his longevity to a love of what he is doing, and I like to think that I am on a similar path. On this topic, I miss my parents. Blessed be the technology that allows us to travel thousands of miles with a couple taps; I shall FaceTime them soon.

     We traveled to a small Czech in the south this weekend, Český Krumlov, and I got my first "Oooh a Black person, I want a photo with them!" instance. Long story short, it was not even me they were drawn to (idk they were speaking in Russian or something and only spoke to us in a few key English words like 'yes, photo!') but my my friend, who is a Black girl, but I ended up being a part of the photo too and making sure I dragged the white friend with us lol. It's whatever. I did not want to come off as rude after something of an understanding that we would be in a photo together had been made, but if that situation never happened ever again I would be glad.

The city itself was charming and quaint, though.

   

A Castle On The First Day? That's DIFFERENT

(I tried making this same post about a week ago and after what felt like forever-- but was actually probably only two hours-- of waiting for the photos to upload and trying to lay them out in a manner that was at least a little pleasing to the eye, the post got deleted, so I got frustrated and went to bed as I had already put up two posts that night. Here's to take two.)

     On my first full day in Prague I ended up on an adventure. For those that know me (probably better than I know myself), I love to have a plan ahead of time, knowing what/when/where/how/why I am doing something before I do it, and even then my natural disposition is to just not go out and be engaged in such social activities. So this was unexpected. Myself, and two people that live in the same apartment building as me that I met less than 12 hours earlier at the tram stop fell behind from a group of people leaving orientation together (I wanted to be sure I mentioned orientation so you knew these people were from the program and didn't think I was just navigating the city with some random Czech folk).

     It was a very unique, rare situation under which to meet people. Idealized, really, like a film lol (the joke being we are all in the film production program together). So throughout the way of traveling from Film and TV School of the Academy of Performing Arts in Prague (FAMU), to and across Karlův most (Charles Bridge), into Malostranské náměstí (idk the English translation for the first word but the second word is square) and then back to Vodičkova for dinner, we were simultaneously getting to know each other and traveling together. Now I'm just name dropping but hey that's the lifestyle I'm leading out here lol.

     I think the fact that we were in such a vulnerable position, being tourists with no knowledge of place or each other (well the two of them are roommates but at that point in time they had not even known each for 24hrs yet), helped foster the bonds we made and conversation. I liken this period to going to camp/starting college, meeting people from all different backgrounds and trying to figure out who you want to be and how you want to present in this environment. I think we all default to something of who our truest selves are, and I believe that shone through in the time I spent with these cool people. Having had the practice of various camp sessions and starts to the school year in college, I did not attribute any binding friendship commitments to these people based off our first interactions, regardless of how great they were. That was definitely the unspoken, shared sentiment at the end of our time together, which is nice.

     I still see these people all the time, and even though we are not the best of friends on this program, I appreciate that we were able to exist and enjoy that particular moment in time together, and that's an indelible mark on each of our personal histories. It's the little things that make up a lifetime.

Oh and I took some pictures:

View of Prague Castle, the Cathedral, some of Karluv Most
(Charles Bridge)

The same photo, only better :)

Some of the statues and adornments on the
east entrance to Charles Bridge

East entrance to Charles Bridge

Statues on Charles Bridge

Same photo, just a little less bright and
with some random dude's head in it

More Charles Bridge statue content

One last statue, I like what the background does to the mood of the image here

Malostranske Namesti, where crossing
Charles Bridge heading west takes you

Busy spot, I am just one tourist of many out here

Entrance to Malostranske Namesti

Store in the square, Prague is known for it's crystals/jewels.
The western part of the Czech Republic is Bohemia, guess how many
times I have heard 'Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen since
I got here

I couldn't tell you the name of this street
for the life of me but it is on the same side
of the road as the photos you just saw

Small square that leads up to the road that
leads to the castle, and my two frens

"Wavin' Flag" by K'naan (EU flag on the right)

Cool lil' cup on a table from a restaurant on the way to the castle

Stairway opposing the stair leading up to the castle,
don't get me wrong, the stairs lead to somewhere
important in the same square as the castle...I just
don't know where.

Boom! Spires from the castle

Lights and top middle-ish section of the castle
[hear me out I only had one lens and I didn't know I was going
to be taking photos of a castle/cathedral(?) that day]

Side area of the compound of the castle

Billowing Czech flag atop Czech-themed pole

Two frens and I taking mirror photo

Man performing flutre on the street on the steps that
 exit from the castle compound
(I tipped him before asking for a photo)

Czech street art on a stand

it's me! reflected on the doors of the tram

tram lights doing a cool wavy thing

If you made it this far then wow, you've earned this: https://photos.app.goo.gl/tkePFDnXjhA22EHy8
this is the link I have been using as of late whenever people have been asking me for photos of my time abroad. I'm always shocked when people ask to see more than that lol. There's definitely some overlap with the photos in this post but that's life ahah. (I'm sorry if you get notifications when I add photos to this album once it has been shared with you, Google is tedious that way).

Something in the Water (?) || My Goodness What Did I Eat

I'll be sparing you the details.

     I think I am going to be sticking to just Czech food. Some of the more regional foods that I have tried (namely one from a Chinese place and another from a burger place) have done a number on my gastrointestinal system. The first time I figured could happen to anyone, and once it was done, it was done.

The Chinese restaurant culprit.
(I often forget to take a photo of my meal before I actually start it)

And honestly, I don't blame the meal. As they say, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

     The quesadilla I had from this burger place last night though.

I was sussed out by it initially because it featured barbecue sauce instead of the more tomato or avocado-based toppings that are near and dear to my heart, but I ordered it nonetheless. It was a decent meal, not particularly memorable, but I was left wishing I had ordered something else. I did not really feel the effects of it until a few hours after the fact, and it has just been the gift that keeps on giving in the time since.

Part of me does not want to jump to conclusions and accuse this quesadilla of something I cannot be 100% sure it is responsible for, but another part of me feels extremely vulnerable after these past 24 hours and is clamoring for something to place this blame onto. This food poisoning (yikes, big claim, but I did not name any restaurants so there's no libel) has thwarted all of my attempts to remedy it, and is roughing me up as I type this, and if it continues for another 24 hours I am going to see someone about this foolishness.

Sadly, before this, I thought I was on the up and up. I had been feeling feverish Saturday evening (after spending most of the day inside) and it came with the chills/heat/sweats combo throughout my slumber, but once that had subsided I went from feeling like a feeble baby bird to an invincible young man. All that only to be brought down by a weird ass quesadilla. Life abroad is different.

Always pack Tums and whatever else, my friends.

"Not Visibly Czech"

Of Course I Am Going To Talk About Race 

     The title of this post was something someone said to me while we were eating, regarding the undue amounts of attention the cohort I was traveling with was getting, myself in particular. Also, in the program, I think there are only four Black girls, with three in the film program, and only one other Black guy (I could be wrong, I did not ask for his ethnic background but it isn't visually obvious), while I am the only one in the film program. In one of the videos showed during orientation, it was stated that arguably 90% of the Czech Republic's population is ethnically Czech. I am not seeing the entire country, and I am staying in a tourist locale, but even then, it is a very white country. I believe I listed this as one of my worries in my first blog post about this experience. I am not going to ruminate too heavily on the ways this manifests in my day-to-day interactions, but rather, on the insidious manner it colors my interpretation of the world around me.

People in Prague stare, a lot.

They stare for whatever reasons, like if someone is talking on the tram, for example. I have gotten a decent number of stares, and I stare back. Why? Because the position of the watcher is always one of power. It is voyeuristic. It is also a challenge, and if it goes unacknowledged I am allowing them to casually carry on from their removed perch of superiority. Staring back shows that I am not an object of attention, that I, too, have a gaze, a piercing one that I am unafraid to use.

....but what if they're not staring at me because of that? I can't know for certain if I don't ask, right? This back-and-forth of what if is what has colored the more questionable interactions I have had since I came into my racial socialization.

Take, for example, this morning: It honestly looked like two different grown men took photos of me on their phones within a 10 minute span. And I am not the type to press someone about this and make a scene. So maybe they just happened to have their cameras pointed in my direction and were looking at the screen, right? And so the cycle continues. It's a dizzying gaslighting sequence that I could go without, but I know that there are far too many people that feel a similar way, in one way or another. Let me apologize ahead of time if I am overstepping my bounds, but from what I have heard from a number of my women friends, it is like how their interactions with men are colored a certain way. With this all in mind, Black women deserve exponentially more credit than they are given.

Truth is, you get used to it and get used to the world around you. At home, abroad, wherever, white supremacy is an ailment of our societies, and the cure has to be brought out from within.

So I stare back, random person in a restaurant, wherever we are, because I take pride in you sheepishly smiling and looking away, knowing that I've won, I've made you look me in the eyes and realize that there is a real person, 20 years of life, highs and lows, love and loss, looking right back at you and your own life.