Still Active

I've been blogging, just not here...

I may have mentioned this in a prior post but I have been contributing for blogger series for both my school, CMC, and the abroad program I am studying through, CET.

So I guess you could say I'm... out here.

Me at the desk used in the film Grand Budapest Hotel, located
at Studio Babelsberg in Babelsberg, Germany, near Berlin.

Being honest though I've  put out a decent amount of content (thoughts, photos) out there, so if you want some more of this smooth consciousness-- idk why you would-- then go ahead and check out the following links.

Blog with a funny name that I have been using for CMC Blogger Series:

https://praguewithablog.blogspot.com/

Blog links to my posts that I put out through CET:

https://cetacademicprograms.com/school-prague-film-school-film-school-prague/

https://cetacademicprograms.com/photo-essay-cet-prague-26/

https://cetacademicprograms.com/prague-first-impressions/
https://cetacademicprograms.com/photo-essay-cet-prague-27/

A photo of me doing the damn thing when a friend in the
Photography part of the program asked me to model for her project

The Dangers of Falling In Love

NO000ooo despite what may be gleaned from my last post, this is not about a person!!1!

     I'd had this blog post in mind for a while, even before my hiatus, and especially before getting involved with the person. This was supposed to be a post about losing one's self in the moment. Being in a place, being of a certain age, and, especially, being of a certain mindset. Being susceptible to becoming so infatuated with the moment that the inevitable future comes as a surprise, shakes up your perception of reality, and knocks you on your ass for a couple days. Maybe a week. ((Maybe you get back up an indeterminate amount of time later but you could never be the same)). In short, falling in love. No, this post won't be various ruminations on love and it's meaning.

View of the Vltava River

Not to say that I was at risk with falling in love with Prague, but the option (option? Is he saying that falling in love is an active action and not just something that falls into place sheerly off of the belief in it's presence? Scandalous) was always there given the factors: It's a romantic city with a lot of centuries old architecture and a certain level of European charm; I'm young and constantly searching for momentary direction [[long-term is it's own bag of worms]], I'm not involved in or committed to anyone or anything really, and I'm studying art. This sounds like some cheesy ass movie that I would cry at the end of. But, it didn't happen.

I did not want this to be a momentous, potentially defining, experience for me. I did not want to spend the rest of my life clamoring to get back here. I did not want to find myself here only to lose it when I had to return home. It is all relative. Loving my abroad experience was not what I wanted or needed at this part of my life. I don't know what I need, but referring to my last paragraph, there are a plethora of directions I go towards, and this was just me exercising one of my options. I do not believe I want to pursue film long term. 

Neon sign sculpture atop of the Jazz Dock jazz club

Hmm, when I was planning this all out a month and a half ago I was expecting a much larger blog post, hmm... maybe this will be a (partial) rumination on love. Just a little bit.

Parental love has always been a point of thorough interest (not quite fixation but definite preoccupation) for me. I like to turn to the poem "Those Winter Sundays" by Robert Hayden when I think about this love. The line

What did I know, what did I know

of love’s austere and lonely offices?

reverberates with me at a greater frequency and is applicable to so much of what is out there with love (Hayden 13-14).

Park (Portheimka?) that I pass daily on my commute

We all learn how love ought to be from somewhere, and through experiences and trial and error we evolve into our own definitions, but no two of us are operating with exactly the same dictionary (I am a firm believer in the attributive meaning of our personal vocabularies), so we clash and conflict. Sometimes we adjust given circumstance, other times compromise isn't even a conceivable option.

I think the latter was where I found myself with Prague. I was/am not entirely willing to fall in love with it, especially knowing how soon I would be/am leaving. And it's usually best not to get involved when you can already foresee the probable outcome.

Don't go around breaking your own heart. Love is compromise. Love is attention. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is a whole lot of other things. I'm tired.

Haven't linked you all a new playlist in while, so here:

roast vegetables

no, I didn't name it, I probably would have named it "Because Right Now I Choose Sadness".

yes, it's a break-up playlist.

Recall to: concept of oversharing. This is easy from a place of vulnerability.

Y'all be good.

Damn Isaiah, Where'd You Go?

Maaan, I couldn't even tell you...

What's up everybody, here we are, unapologetically two months after my last post ((which ahhhh wasn't the best part to leave off at, I'll admit that, but at the point I wasn't even planning on leaving off)).

"Well, what have you been up to?"

Damn near everything lol. Before I dive any further I will update you that I emailed my teacher (from the post right before this one) that same night about the incident and he apologized, saying he was deeply sorry and that there was no malicious intention, so that's good.

Also, one of the things I was starting to notice about blogging regularly about my time here was that I was spending a lot of my mental time and energy on being constantly self-aware. It was fine for a bit, and being generally self-aware is a good thing (in my opinion), but I felt like it was getting in the way of the experience I was having here. You know? Having to process at the end of my day or week in my head, to myself, is one thing. Trying to type it all out with an honest narrative voice (which begets questions of how much or how little should I share), maintaining a flow of content so I do not miss out on important details, events, etc. Truthfully is just became a lot of work, and I guess I just needed a break from it.

In the meantime, I:

-finished the script for the short film we are working on this semester

-went on Spring break, five countries in eight days (terrible idea)

     -London, England; Paris, France; Brussels, Belgium; Amsterdam, Denmark; Belgium, Germany

-started dating someone (whaaat?)

-broke up with that someone (awww)

-felt uninspired with photography and art in general

Photos of the Blue Church of St. Elizabeth
Bratislava, Slovakia

-took some photos because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated too, and felt something there

-remained in contact with friends and family back home and gained some grounding through that

-started cooking a bit more (I still suck but that's okay!)

-worked on being more patient and having more grace with myself

-a litany of other things

Some seasoned turkey with unforgivably soggy rice and
store-bought tomato paste. Turkey was decent.

Some seasoned chicken and rice (stained with tomato paste)
that I made a while back. Had potential that was not met.

"Why now? We practically forgot all about you."

I mean, damn, please don't forget about me, but if you do then that's just the way things have are going to be, I suppose (been thinking a lot about what we choose to allow/what's worth your time and effort/what is only irreconcilable because we choose not to work on it, hence the word change).

Anyways, right now is the final week of classes, and there's still roughly six weeks left in the program (usually I would say something like 'oh wow, how time flies' but no, it definitely feels like I have been here for a while lol), and so part of the reason is I am ending major part of the program and it feels like a good time to provide updates and be actively reflective and self-aware again. Another part of it is that this is something to do in the meantime. I'm hoping this begins an avalanche of productivity, like "Okay, done with the blog post, might as well go sightseeing or hit up the gym," as opposed to spending my final month here chilling in bed half the day. Even if I was more socially engaged and had people always hitting me up to hang out, I just don't have that much social energy/patience.

A poorly composed but still dramatic photo of the street I had
near my Airbnb in London, England.
(NE view down Alberta St. from it's intersection w Braganza St., near Kennington Underground Station)
(I'm a stickler for specific locations, I know)

The rest of the program is full of shooting dates for the various working groups that will each be shooting their films in three-day periods (there's 16 groups in my study abroad program alone but I know that there's at least one other program here from NYU so we have to share resources like studio time with them as well), so when I'm not shooting or helping out on someone else's set I'm big chilling.

So expect to see more blog posts, I guess. Probably about the list I mentioned earlier, definitely some vacation photos. I truly have no idea what the rest of this program has in store for me (at a personal level). I anticipate the collaborative process of filming and various deadlines to be difficult but it's all a part of the game. Take it easy.