Twolands Travels: Oh the People You Will Meet || A Solitary Existence

One thing I have learned from meeting many different people in my life is that you will sometimes meet the same people over and over again. Not in the literal sense where you are literally introduced to the same individual more than once-- though Drake oft-forgotten verse on Rick Ross' "Aston Martin Music" (Explicit) does feature the poignant lyric, "Reintroduced to people I’ve been introduced to/ Did you forget me?/ Or are you too scared to tell me that you met me/ And fear that I won’t remember/ I wish you could still accept me for me", so it is not unheard of to our more famous counterparts-- but rather, you meet tropes/caricatures/ready-made versions of people over and over again. Learning this can benefit you in the first impressions you give off, for example, since you would have met a person like the one you're currently meeting before, and consequently know a bit about how to navigate relations with them, you can tailor your approach to make sure your first interaction is exactly what that person would like. Don't get me wrong, we are all individuals and unique and different, but we are far more alike than we are different, most times. This is a useful lesson, because as soon as it is learned, it is flipped upon its head, as people shatter your expectations of who they are all the time. When this happens, it is a humbling lesson in not judging a book by its cover and having an open mind. And those people, the ones that make you reassess your cynical take on the world and its inhabitants, those are the ones you should into further; they've already surprised you once, who knows what else they may have to offer.

Confusing, right? You might want to read that protracted first paragraph again.

Yea, it's going to be that kind of post lol.

I have been ~~thinking~~ ~~contemplating~~ ruminating, more so than usual I guess. I am not a drinker (actually really don't like the taste of alcohol whatsoever), and I have done alright for myself socially throughout college. Being here, I figured I would give it a shot to see what the bar/club atmosphere and draw is all about. It is quite the interesting one. Of course there are elements of performance to it, especially in going out with a group (i.e. being the fun one, being socially engaged, having such a high tolerance, etc.), but for a recluse like myself I find more satisfaction in an evening where I keep to myself. The optics of staying in when I am at Claremont (everything is super nearby so I always have the option of changing my mind and going out of my room and running into something and being socially engaged that way; simultaneously, I have a single, and can easily fall off the radar) compared to living here (when I am alone it usually means everyone else went out, and I feel as though I should be too, instead of being cooped up in here) are dramatically different. I am unsure if I would characterize myself at lonely, and I'm certainly not taking the necessary steps to ameliorate this feeling if I am, but you sure do have a lot of time to think about how alone you are (and why you are that way) when there's no one around you. A recurring thought of this most recent semester before I got here was "being alone, by choice or circumstance?"

This may be giving the impression that people just don't invite me anywhere and I am sad about. I definitely do more than my part in ensuring my own solitude, from turning down invites, to cancelling plans, to just leaving situations when I no longer want to be socially involved. Part of it is that I just do not vibe with what is going on around me, so I just check-out from social engagement and after a while just physically leave (like if we are at a bar and others want to stay another hour while my social battery ran out an hour ago). Would not be surprised if this all has a link to depression, but I think this is also a necessary part of me growing up, realizing what I want my 20s to look like, and respecting my own boundaries. So I'm alone.

This is hard to follow, I got the skeleton of this blog post out at 2am last week (sadly I think it was a school night), but I am tweaking it for clarity today, Feb. 11.

I am reminded of the last lyric from the outro of J. Cole's "Fire Squad" (Explicit):

It's for all the kings

Cause I know deep down every poet just wanna be loved

I know that deep down, we are all poets. The extended metaphor I am extrapolating is that poetry is taking something that is seen as ordinary/mundane (in poetry, the example applies to words) and turning them into/finding something beautiful in them. Anyone's passion can be seen as "just ______" but to the person who holds that passion it is so much more than that. You could say (but you would be absurdly wrong) that my father-- to reference a role model again-- is "just giving medicine" to his patients, while I think that he and many others (myself included) would say that he is helping save lives. So he is a poet, and the medium of his poetry is nursing. There's a poeticism to having a passion, please do not shy away from it.

Anyways, back to the lyric. Since we are all poets, we all just want to be loved, deep down. But through my solitary disposition, I believe I complicate the ways people relate and form relationships with me. Translating this into the context of this program, I am still finding a social niche where I can get my much-sought alone time, thoroughly and thoughtfully engage with others, while not feeling compelled to have to go out and be involved in the bar/club scene that I know is not really who I am (at least the iterations that I have been exposed to).

I am often at a loss when people ask me what I do for fun since I do not really go out much at school; which means a lot of wasted time that could be used to better myself and produce work. But I can only be so productive before I just feel burned out and actually want to have fun.
So, long story short: I need to figure out what I like to do for fun on my own, and figure out how I can form relationships that are mutually beneficial but do not push me beyond my self-imposed limits, or do push those limits and I benefit from it.

Feels as though there are a million and one things I have to say on this topic, but it will just feel like I am talking in circles and this post is already long. Here's a couple of photos, you already made it through so much text. (all photos I include on this blog are unedited unless otherwise stated, these aren't going in my portfolio so I'm indifferent lol)