I got a developed roll of film back today so please enjoy some shots from that interspersed between the quotes.
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| Entrance/Exit to my apartment building (peep the early morning shadows) |
This is an important question, the answer to which has potentially shaped my whole experience here.
By nature, I absolutely detest letting myself down (this ties into being a perfectionist growing up and wanting to meet all of my own expectations). This is part of the reason why I say that I may be looking forward to something, but not necessarily excited for it. In doing this, I keep my expectations low-- or I don't have any at all-- for most new experiences and approach most situations with relative indifference. In straddling this happy medium I do believe that I limit myself in the interactions I pursue and boundaries I push, however. I did put forth some effort in making this experience an experience, and to an extent it was, but I always want more, and I do believe it would have been attainable if I had set expectations and put myself to meet them.
I often say, albeit jokingly, say something along the lines of "nothing can beat a good/can-do attitude," and while there are definitely tangible limitations to keep us from a series of opportunities, I do subscribe to the notion that there is power in being positive and having self-belief.
What does this mean for my future and future experiences? I am unsure, I know I would have been floored if I had thought or even expected Prague to be the time of my life and it was everything but, but I think I have a better idea of what I want now. Don't worry, not all the points are going to be this long.
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| The mall I walked to countless times to buy groceries. |
How much this quote resonated with me shocked me at first, and it only became more true the more I thought about it. Another parallel that could have been made is camp, but the relatively long-term formation of relationships and immersive aspect of living in a city took it to the next level.
Mid-Jan to Mid-Feb, Freshman year: The program starts, you meet everyone, everyone is just trying to make good first impressions and put out what they want people to think of them as, and figuring out who they can be friends with/want to spend their time with AND figure out who they want to work on a film with.
Mid-Feb to Mid-April, Sophomore and Junior Year: Friend groups are more formally set, people are traveling and spending the entirety of spring break together, class work starts to feel more routine and monotonous, everyone just wants to shoot their films (senior year).
Mid-April to Mid-May, Senior Year: Shooting our films, a lot of free time since we are no longer in classes most of the day, much of the learning/pre-production work has been done in the past few months so there's a feeling of "no need to stress too much, it's too late now" especially after shooting and editing one's film, people are starting to talk more and more about life after Prague and wanting to go back to college (see what I did there?), various end-of-the-program ceremonies. They gave us our diplomas earlier tonight lol.
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| Flowers in Karlovo Náměstí |
Not too much to say about this one. Days are bound to feel long when you spend most of it in class or working on a film, but being so occupied made the days go by one after the other (recall what I said about routine) until boom, we're already in May.
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| Some digging work going on in the Vltava right by my apartment |
-not entirely sure who, could be anyone from one my professors to someone on Instagram
This speaks to what I mentioned on another post recently about feeling uninspired and detached from my photo work for a while this semester, especially when it came to travel photos. A big part of it was that whenever I looked at the viewfinder, it looked like something I had seen before, or, more directly, everything just looked the same. The whole do you make your art for yourself or for your consumers/the public debate is specific to each artist, and for me I think that I make separate art for both purposes, but the aforementioned quote is important to consider if I am working on art for the latter. If an image is not special to me, why would it be special to someone else? And even if it is, it's not really the art that I want to be putting out, because it is not of me. How did I get inspired again, you may ask? Just getting out and taking pictures again but not forcing it. It did help going out with a film camera, since the limited amount of exposures per roll of film and financial factor in having to buy and develop film makes people more selective with their shots, but this all works together to make the photographer see things in a different manner. Getting that special shot.
[[Not saying go out and buy a film camera right now, just speaking to my experience. The same thing can be done with one's phone camera, but asking oneself questions like "why am I taking this photo?" "what do I want to feel/think when I look back on it?" "could I do without this photo?" and a number of others, sometimes we just take photos just because we can]]
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| Maybe 10 seconds before it starting raining, in the Náměstí Republiky area |
"Any job turns into a job... and you wouldn't trade it"
-Sean Evans, "Billie Eilish Freaks Out While Eating Spicy Wings | Hot Ones" on YouTube
A question I deal with a lot in my young adulthood in trying to figure out my passion and what route to go down in pursuing a career is "what do I stick without when it is no longer fun?" The answer is not much. This quote, mentioned by the host of a YouTube show when interviewing teen singer sensation Billie Eilish about her newfound fame and it's resulting responsibilities, captures where I want to be. Not to put my father's business out there but he's worked 12 hour nursing shifts 6 days a week regularly since before I was born. I cannot even fathom that. When I've asked him how he does this before he acknowledges the difficulty of it, but also how that does not even come close to the conjunction of his passion for what he does and it being how he supports his family. While that second part is something I want to put on the back burner for the time being, I want to have a passion that gives me a tenacity that voracious. Sure, if it is my career, it'll start to feel like a job eventually and may even become tedious, but I want to care so much about it that that won't matter.
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| Another Vltava shot |
A good question to ask ourselves. Sometimes we operate on emotional/mental autopilot and just keep going because our life structure (needing to get school work done, having to go for work) calls for productivity before anything else. I don't fault you for it, I am in the same boat, we need to get it done. But it is essential to sit down and process our emotions, check-in with ourselves, and be in our own moments. This is why when people ask me how I'm doing, if there really is something that I am going through, I'll speak on it with varying depth depending on my relationship with the person. Just getting it off my chest. Also lets the person know that I trust them on a certain level. Promotes openness. That's me indulging myself in my emotions and for me it's far better than ignoring them until they boil over into something unproductive and potentially destructive. So, whenever you can, check-in with yourself. Take deep breaths, tell yourself positive affirmations, then go back to getting that work you feel me???
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| Alright lemme chill with the Vltava |
A commentary on being unabashedly myself. People throughout the semester have told me that I need to get a haircut. But I did not want to, therefore I did not need to. There are definitely discriminatory institutional and de facto structures that I am more likely to be susceptible to with my hair grown out, but those are risks I knowingly incur at the stakes of expressing myself. This extends out to various reaches of identity and personal style because at the end of the day, if you know what you need, no one can tell you otherwise. I like my hair lol.
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| A swan freshening up alongside the Vl- ... river |
"I'll tell you something, follow your heart. Do you understand?" -professor in the program
The context in which the professor said this was probably something within the area of trusting your gut when making on-set creative decisions. It makes sense: you're in that position for a reason, you have that creative liberty, do what feels right to you. What this professor, notorious for punctuating his teachings with "do you understand?", said is applicable to life in general, though. It's corny and has been said a million times over, but that does not make it any less true. After a certain point it is not about what is right or wrong, just what makes you feel best. And a part of me needed to have this experience to be able to comprehend that.
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| Same rainy day in Náměstí Republiky, outside my favorite salad place |
"I'll see you again." -various people, including myself
Though I am not close with everyone on the program, something deep within me always feels significance at the realization that I may never see someone again. Even though all of the students I met on the program attend American institutions and most reside in the States, it's unlikely that the effort will be made to see each other unless there is a situation where we are knowingly proximal enough. But that is life and I believe that's okay. Everything must come to an end. I am happy for the good times that were shared that can never be undone.
Maybe it is said to soften the blows of reality; when the truth is too discomforting. Maybe it is true.
I'll get to what this means someday, even if this blog doesn't.
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